Benefits of quitting cannabis

Oh dear. You know what I am going to say right? I've relapsed. AGAIN.

I managed to get to day 19 this time. Why did I do it? I knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere good. I got really depressed towards the end of the week, I let something get to me that really shouldn't have done, and it festered and festered for a couple of days and I felt like I needed to blow off some steam. I started to get that angry depressed and felt really shit about myself, I should have seen it coming - the thing that pissed me off - and dealt with it properly before I got hurt. Well lesson learnt. The worst thing is not getting hurt, but the fact that I let that ruin my whole quit - the one good thing I had going. Instead of going "I am pissed off about whatshisface, at least I am nearly 3 weeks sober", I went "I am pissed off about whatshisface, life is crap, why do I bother? I need a smoke".  GRRR.

I have to confess I did enjoy it too. The sun was shining, my mate threw a BBQ (first of the year - woo) and there was a good group of people there (95% stoners). I forgot about the fact I was pissed off, whether it be for all the weed I smoked or the company I was in, I don't know. But for yesterday at least, I wasn't feeling too bad about falling off the wagon!

However right now I can honestly say I feel awful. For anybody part way through a quit and is partly tempted to go out and score - whether it be through anger/depression or 'for old times sake' I would advise you not to do it. Because all the hard work on making myself happy again has gone down the toilet. My head feels like mush, my eyes are watering, I feel absolutely shattered despite a 10 hour sleep (or should I say weed coma?) and I am now back to thinking about the thing that pissed me off in the first place. I can either carry on smoking in a vain attempt to block the pain, or I can face it, deal with it and get over it.

I still have 3 or 4 spliffs left and whilst I should just throw them away, I am going to finish them. But then I WILL proceed with the quit. Grandma, I think I will try your technique. Tomorrow I start day 20 still (it would be day 22 but I can hardly count the toking days!!) and I will forgive myself for the relapse.

One of the things I have learnt through work is 'reflective practice' - after every significant event, reflect on it and embed the learning so you reinforce the things you have done well, and learn from the mistakes. So what have I learnt from this relapse?

• Cannabis is not a cure for depression/anxiety or anger. It might take it under the surface for a period of time, but the feelings come back in full force when you stop smoking. Deal with them now instead because they wont go away, and letting them fester will cause more problems in the long run.
• Don't use relationships/sex/dating etc as a tool to distract you from cannabis detox. It is not the time - you are too fragile from detoxing, it is likely to end in tears. Focus that love on yourself instead, you are worthy of it.
• One toke always leads to another. As awful as I feel right now, I want to carry on smoking - cravings come back in full force as soon as you put cannabis back in your body. If I'd have worked through my mental cravings Thursday - Saturday, they'd probably have dissipated by now. Now I am stuck with mental AND physical cravings.
• Weed zaps all your energy, makes you lethargic and miserable. Yes I did kind of know this before, but hell it is reinforced now. When you smoke all the time, you get used to this 'dead' feeling. But having done 3 weeks clean, my god I notice the difference getting up this morning compared to a week ago. It is not good!

I feel like such a fool. I am not an idiot usually, I have learnt to be quite sensible in other respects, why do I let a plant rule my life? Every time I manage to gain some control over the plant, I lose it somewhere else. I mentioned before that previous quits have led me to binge drinking, or overeating (or both) and this time instead I let myself get carried away with a man that was no good for me at all. I need advice on this guys. I obviously subconsciously believe there is a hole to be filled when I no longer have cannabis. What can I do to fill this gap that is not going to cause me more damage and inevitably send me back to smoking?

I've written an essay again. It has helped put it all in perspective. I feel sorry for you poor buggers having to read it though. Please send me some positive vibes and pray I can get back on it and sort this out. I desperately don't want my life to spiral out of control again like it has so many times before. Right now, I have too much 'real life' to deal with - exam in a few weeks, coursework due even sooner - for me to waste another minute even thinking about cannabis (let alone smoking it). I wait in anticipation for your wise words - you guys always make me feel better.

Love Weedless xxx

Oh Weedless - you are so bright - and so RIGHT.   If it wasn't a continuing problem for me I wouldn't be here.  I woke up this morning with one thing on my mind - having a smoke.  Fortunately I opened the forum and found this post.   Isn't it just amazing how all our logic and experience gets tossed when that physical urge takes over.  I'm glad that you've decided not to beat yourself up over it - you really DO know how to quit.  Again, I think it's a lot like dieting - if we cheat it's just easier to throw the whole diet out the window until we feel like 'starting' again.  Flinish off your spliffs then kiss it goodbye again when you're done.  You don't have to let it take over your life. 

I wish I really had something "WISE" to say - Just know that I love you and know that you CAN take control.   I know you have a lot of stress in your life right now - I've used 'stress' as my excuse over and over again.   Stress is a part of our modern lives - we are constantly bombarded with stimulus  - and it has a lot to do with the epidemic drug abuse and alcohol abuse on every level.   We self medicate to anesthetize or insulate ourselves from all that. 

The trick, I believe, is in finding new ways to cope with our stresses.  I'm not doing so well at it - I went to bed all day yesterday because I just couldn't cope with all that's going on in my life.  Crawling under the covers isn't the answer either.  I'm actually going to go to church this morning -  something I haven't done in years.  I'll let you know how it goes:wink:. 

Hang in there, WW - you are SO much more than this problem.  You've helped me realize that.  You had an 'oops' -  nothing more.

I hope the rest of the weekend goes well for you.  And Monday morning you can take a deep breath and keep moving forward - without the weed.  If I didn't truly believe we could do this, I wouldn't keep coming back here.  

LOVE AND HUGSXXX

Grandma

Hi Grandma - and everybody

I have started today afresh, the past is the past, it holds no power over me now. I am still a quitter, I haven't failed, I just had a minor lapse in judgement - I am glad that I got through all my weed last night. I had to stay up late to finish it and had half a mind to save the last spliff for today. Soooo glad I saw sense on that one, because I dont think I've ever had a 'one spliff' day since I started smoking 12 years ago! I would have ended up getting more no doubt. I do feel better for confessing too - that should go on my list of lessons! Last time I fell off the wagon I hid from the Board for weeks and couldnt face up to telling you all I had failed. I know there is no shame in it really, after all we have all done it at some point. I just wish I didnt make the same mistake over and over again.

I really need a new distraction! I know, I know, my studies should be enough. I suppose I am looking for distraction from those too, something to destress with. I am very wary after previous experiences of drinking, food and now boys and worried that I will never beat this without a 'new' addiction to take its place. Does anyone else have this problem? I have got more in to the gym which has helped, unfortunately due to health problems, I dont think I will make it there this week.

Thanks Grandma for your kind words yesterday. I am praying for you too, you have enough problems on your plate so dont worry about me!! I am fine now honestly.

Lots of love

Weedless xxx

Weedless - how are you?  I've been a little preoccupied with my dads health problems - looks like I'm in for a road trip.

I like knowing that you are still a QUITTER!!! Stay with it -

 LOVE,

Grandma

Thanks Grandma

Yeah I am still a quitter! No point beating myself up over a silly mistake, it wouldnt have happened if I was upset I dont think. I have a weekend of work, work, work planned - not seeing anybody so no chance of me falling off the wagon again! Nice of you to still post even though you have plenty of other things to worry about - but please do not worry. I pray for you and you dad, it must be horrible. My grandpa is ill now and I see how it is affecting my mum. So I do understand, kind of. Bound to be different when it is your own dad. 

Peace and love, and if you dont get chance to write, I understand. Go and be with your family, I will still be here when you get back!! I promise!!

Love Weedless xxx

Hi Weedless, thanks for your comment on my post.

We're all in it together, and you are only human. The fact you feel so bad about your slight relapse is the very reason you are giving up, and you should feel proud of yourself for going as long as you did / are going to next time. If you aim for even longer next time, the benefits will still be exponentially outweighing your status 6 months ago.

Minor hiccup, that is all - you have won half the battle already.

Be strong!

Love and Peace

xx

Thanks Mr L!

It means a lot to know other people are out there routing for me. You are right, we are all in this together. How is your quit going? Still going strong? I feel strong at the moment, almost find it hard to believe it was me writing those posts last week when I read them back. I do have a tendency to flit between emotions - it scares me sometimes. I hope my moods will stabilise the further on I go with the quit. Is this something you struggle with too?

Keep in touch!

Weedless x